Penthos

Five minutes at a time.

That’s what I’ve been advised to do. Take each day five minutes at a time.

When you exit a relationship with someone for whom you’ve developed a great deal of strong feelings, a sense of grief overcomes you. In this case, I have a looming cloud of sadness that follows me. All the pain of loss and the despair that comes with loneliness just floods over me. Often when I least expect it.

It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I can’t breathe, and don’t feel like I have the will or the means to do anything.

I feel tears leaking from my eyes every time it comes to mind. I don’t have anger or injustice to cling to. He didn’t wrong me. He just was honest with me, which is what we had established from the start and I couldn’t be angry with him for that. I wouldn’t feel right if I was. But I feel like I don’t have the capacity for happiness. Not right now. Fun is fleeting to me. It happens, but at the end of it all I feel empty and alone.

My family and friends instruct me to pray about it. I have, and I do, and I cry and cry and send prayers up and all I feel afterwards is even more alone. I don’t feel comforting arms. I just feel despair.

I lost a friend for a while in this breakup. I’m sure that I’ll get him back, but it hurts too bad to just act “business as usual”. He’s the friend who understands me. And now that we broke up, I don’t have him there. He’s the friend that I would talk to when I was going through a break up, but now that he’s the other person, I’ve lost my confidant. The things about which I would usually talk are left either handled incorrectly or unsaid. Being told that I should just get over it or roll with it doesn’t help. All I feel is more and more alone.

I wish that I could say that God is helping me so much right now—that I feel so comforted and safe and protected—but I can’t. I can’t say that truthfully. It doesn’t mean that He isn’t capable, or willing, or even that he doesn’t want to, but it’s not what I’m experiencing right now. All I feel is alone and invalidated and hurt. I just want someone to hold me; to make me feel safe and protected.

But I don’t have that someone. All I have is the next five minutes.

One minute….

Two minutes…

Three minutes…

Four minutes…

Five minutes.

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