I recently had the pleasure of someone being totally honest with how they felt about me and telling me what kind of future they wanted with me.
They didn’t want an actual “future” with me, per se, but they knew that our relationship was going in a certain direction and they decided to be honest with me.
The information was conveyed in a logical way, and I found myself somewhat disappointed because I had spent so much time learning how to trust someone and have them know me better than almost anyone.
At that time, I was in a particularly vulnerable position; I was emotional, feeling somewhat strung out because of school and my career, and I was using them as an emotional crutch that was basically keeping my pieces together.
It almost came as a relief, shutting the door, because I finally had a real reason why I didn’t belong with them: they didn’t want me, and that was okay. I ended up living, anyway. I don’t think I could have given them what they wanted from a partner, and I don’t think that I would have been happy either.
Recently, I have been thanking my past self for making the conversation happen. I’m not the most subtle of people, and I know myself well enough to make sure that honest conversations happen. I really care about this person, and I care enough to make sure that if the door is gonna be closed, it better darn well be closed for good.
It is always difficult for me to get to a point where I trust someone completely. And this person, while I do trust them, has begun to have a certain amount of power over me that I am beginning to be uncomfortable with. I have done trial periods of separation, like ignoring them for more than a few days, and have been met with nonchalance. So, naturally, I feel hurt that my absence does not generate any feelings for them.
Of course, the more stress I experience, the more I feel like I need the crutch of having someone that I feel comfortable and safe with. And the idea itself is very attractive; however, I have become increasingly more uncomfortable and it’s causing me distress. Part of me wants to just move on, but another part of me is holding on for dear life and it’s becoming unacceptable for me. I can’t even look them in the eyes. So, I suppose I am back to square one.
While the need for honesty I crave has been satiated for the moment, there is always going to be the lurking dishonesty that reminds me I can’t totally be myself.